Myth #5 in the series 5 Myths Women Believe About Sex is: I can’t have sex unless I’m feeling emotionally close.
This is probably the comment I hear most frequently from women in my office. After a fight, a period of disconnection or sitting on a long-standing pile of resentment, wives have difficulty bringing themselves to be sexually intimate. Most often they feel it would be a betrayal of themselves or a lie to engage. They may also fear that to give in to sex would reward his behavior or emotional disengagement.
The truth is, the opposite, is more likely to occur. Men feel closer and are able to be more vulnerable after sex. They open up. The very thing you long for – the heart of your man- you may be sabotaging if you hold out on sex until you feel entirely emotionally connected. When you are open to sexual encounter you are actually inviting his engagement.
A fascinating fact about our physical make up explains why this myth can undermine a couples happiness. Both husband and wife have a hormone called oxytocin, known as the loyal bonding chemical. On a typical day, a woman has ten times more than her husband. It’s the chemical that surges in our body when we have a baby and attaches us emotionally to our child. There is only one time that a man’s level of oxytocin matches that of his wife. Yes, you guessed it- after intercourse. It appears God has given your husband a hormonal motivation to stay emotionally connected to you! When my husband says, I love you after sex I wonder, Why then? Why not earlier in the kitchen when I had food spills on me? It’s because he really feels it then! It is genuine!
When men feel secure and effective they want to step up and meet the needs of their woman. Their worth is associated with their ability to please you in and outside the bed. When they feel good about themselves they are able to give themselves more emotionally.
If we look at the male version of “I can’t have sex unless I’m feeling emotionally close” it would go something like, “I don’t feel like talking to and connecting with my wife unless I get sex.” How would this comment make you feel? Would it feel like an ultimatum? Chances are, you wouldn’t like it and it surely wouldn’t inspire you to move toward your husband. Imagine going for a week or a month without talking. How close would you feel. That’s how a man feels when we go that long without sex. It is how he emotionally connects with us!
The reality is, whoever likes sex the least has the most power in bed. When you withhold, you have a gift no one else can give. Anything you deny from your husband becomes an absolute denial if he is to remain faithful. When you withhold, he feels rejected, powerless, ineffective, depressed although you may just see his irritation or anger. We can use our power in ways that damage our marriage or we can use our power to serve.
This doesn’t mean you always have to be available and can never be tired- just be intentional about saving energy for him and respond positively more often than not. Jesus used his power to serve. I’d like to be more like him. How about you?
Love to hear your thoughts or questions about Myth #5! Please comment below!
I hope you have enjoyed this series on “5 Myths Women Believe About Sex!” If you have any ideas about a new series, send them my way!