Myth #3 in the series 5 Myths Women Believe About Sex is: Marital Sex is Boring.
If we were to believe what we read at the check out counter at the market, we’d conclude that it’s the bad girls who have the market on hot and sexy experiences. Let me just say- absolutely not true. A National Sex Survey revealed that the married women who were most likely to experience an orgasm are conservative, religious women. Evidently the safety provided by a committed relationship can make sex come alive! Not boring!
One of the reasons sex can become boring is because of our own insecurities or past baggage. “Sex is boring” can be a defense against painful experiences of the past or a sign we have cut ourselves off from our sexual enjoyment.
As Gary Thomas says, sex represents the highest and lowest points of our life: at its best, those times when we felt most alive and closer to another than at any other time, and at its worst , when we felt the greatest shame, guilt, and for some, abuse.
If your first experience of sex was unwanted or if you have had traumatic sexual experiences, you likely have some negative associations that go along with sex that can be effecting your sex with your husband. Out of shame you might push away sex now even if your husband is a safe sexual partner because what you are really pushing away is a potential feeling of shame. “I’m not a bad girl so I’m not interested.” If this is you, be encouraged-there’s help!
A traumatic past sometimes causes you to dissociate during sex. You can retrain yourself to stay connected to your body. Practice being naked together without sex. Look into his eyes. Coach yourself to be emotionally and mentally present. “Ask, what would I like him to do?” to redirect your attention to what may be pleasurable. You may have to work to stay present and connected. You might also benefit from seeking the help of a qualified therapist.
Sometimes boredom has to do with comparing. You may have had sexual experiences in the past or even previous sexual experiences with your husband that are no longer happening and finding now that your husband doesn’t match up. Ask God for a new heart and mind. Ask him for His mind regarding your past. You might also invite your husband to try things that might make engaging more exciting or pleasurable for you. It’s okay to ask. As someone wisely once said, “Boredom is an insult to yourself.” So take initiative and change it up with your spouse!
Marital sex can be exciting and fun and can nourish the rest of your relationship.
Love to hear your comments to Myth #3!
Stay tuned for Myth #4!