My husband and I got in the first fight of our marriage painting our kitchen. We had a good friend over at the time and he was shocked that we would be having such a heated discussion. My husband had one idea about how to paint and I had another. That was the first of many arguments in our marriage and I wish I could say they were all conducted with respect and maturity but that is surely not the case. When we are feeling hurt, disrespected or invalidated our worst side can come out.

When we get in arguments, we may revert to conflict styles that are the product of our upbringing. Without conscious awareness of our experience with and attitudes toward conflict, we are likely to reproduce unhealthy patterns.

In early marriage, Gary was working hard to establish his career. He worked for a boss who was eccentric and wanted Gary to discuss business with him late into the evenings. With two young children and a wife at home, Gary hated these meetings but felt obligated to accommodate. Needless to say, over time, I felt resentful and disappointed. I decided to rebel one night and pack the kids up and take them to a hotel for the night so Gary would come home to an empty house and feel our pain.

If I’m honest with myself, I have to admit, listening is difficult. I would rather be listened to and understood than to listen to Gary. I want him to be riveted to my concerns about my day, but when he wants to offload the stresses of his, my attentions seem to wander elsewhere. Why is this? Why is listening so hard? When was the last time you listened to your mate with the sole intention of understanding their experience?
Before we get to what we can do to hone our skills, let’s explore why listening is so tricky.

Marriage is a wonderful opportunity to learn to receive and offer touch. Holding hands, kissing, hugging, enjoying sexual intimacy keep a marriage connected and provide those touches that can soothe our stresses. As God designed our bodies, when we experience touch or have sexual intercourse, oxytocin, the ‘loyal, bonding hormone’ is naturally emitted which causes us to feel more relaxed and emotionally close. Touch has reciprocal benefits; both the giver and the receiver benefit.

Ever notice how just one word can inflame and argument? Gary and I are wired to enjoy winning. We enjoy some fun competition, but we also like to have the last word. And sometimes that last word can ruin a perfectly good day. Conflict can get out of hand quickly. Depending on how much emotional reserves you have in your tank, small issues can escalate into major ruptures of relationship. When your tank is fairly empty, you can react to real or perceived offenses of your mate in a split second. When the tank is fairly full, you are likely to be able to overlook minor missteps and address major ones more thoughtfully.

Every marriage has an emotional tank. When there is little shared time with your mate that tank becomes depleted. No matter what life throws at you, leaning in can keep you feeling close and your tank satisfied. Leaning in can involve small, incremental gestures or larger planned events. As a matter of fact, small increments of daily behavior are more important to a couple’s marital satisfaction than bigger efforts like a vacation. Each couple determines what types of connection are meaningful for them.