Our new series is entitled 5 Myths Women Believe About Sex.
One evening I was teaching a seminar on marital intimacy when a young wife approached me with a pained look on her face. “I don’t care if I never have sex again with my husband! I just don’t enjoy it,” she confessed. She had come to view physical intimacy with her husband as a chore and a burden which only benefited him. His desire for sexual connection was viewed as a demand and she was tired of “putting out.”
What this young wife was missing was not apparent to her in that moment. Her perspective was shaped by messages she received about sex as a teen and an absence of information about her own body and her husbands more frequent desire. How we think about sex makes a huge difference in whether we enjoy or dread the experience of sexual intimacy with our husband.
In the next five weeks, I will be sharing the most frequently believed myths wives believe about sex and why they rob us of what we were created to enjoy.
Myth #1: It’s all about the guy.
Often couples get caught in a rut of the husband pursuing and the wife avoiding sex. A young wife is exhausted after running around with little ones. Sex is the last thing on her “to do list.” “I just don’t want to! It’s all about him wanting it and me not wanting it.” The couple is in a stalemate.
Often the advice given to wives is “Just do it!” Resign yourself to servicing your husband. He’ll be happier and you’ll have a better marriage. In other words, bite the bullet and placate him.
Another version of “Just do it!” is the idea we need to give husband sex whenever, however he wants it so he doesn’t stray. Let me ask you ladies a question: Do you really believe God would saddle us with an obligation to put out so we can keep our marriages together? Does that sound like God to you?
Both the stalemate – “I just don’t want to” and the placating- “Just do it” have at their core a false belief- that sex is all about the guy. This notion is fed by things we heard about sex early in life from parents, peers and media. It’s also reinforced when we experience our husbands more frequent interest.
So why did God design sex in the first place? What we can know from the Bible is that God intended sex to be the most intimate form of connection and communication between husband and wife. He calls it “oneness.” It’s about mutual pleasure. It isn’t just about meeting his physical needs – why else would he provide the woman with a clitoris- the only organ designed for solely one purpose- to bring her pleasure? Surely God meant for women to enjoy the sexual experience. Physical intimacy brings you together like nothing else and has the potential to bring you together emotionally and spiritually as well.
From His perspective, sex is not something you do to satisfy your husband, but a journey of exploration you take together where you get to know each others bodies and emotional selves and share in pleasure.
Love to hear your comments and questions on Myth #1!
Stay tuned for Myth #2!
Great writing Laura!
I also think a huge percentage of women have had some kind of sexual abuse/violation that they may or may not have allowed to come to the surface but it causes a numbness or dislike for anything sex related. Unless it’s dealt with and healing is found it gets harder to enjoy sex with your spouse as time goes on. So many women fail to make the connection though. Thanks for talking about this ! So important