Sex requires continuing education. You may not need to renew your credentials but you do need to refresh your lovemaking with new awareness of your and your mate’s needs, wants, desires, and bodies.

No surprise – men and women respond very differently when it comes to sex. How so? Let’s check out a few important differences:

  1. Fantasies:

Husbands, when your wife steps out of the shower, do you zoom in on her energy level and notice if she is tired, relaxed, or preoccupied? Do your fantasies   about her include emotional connection? Not likely. Men usually fantasize in one dimension – yup, the female anatomy.

Wives, do your mental images about your husband include crucial parts of his anatomy? Or do you notice how he treated you earlier in the day, the tone of his voice, his expressions of care and affection outside of bed? Women often fantasize about relational foreplay – the romance that happens as a prelude to physical intimacy.

  1. Stimulation:

Men are pretty simple when it comes to being sexually stimulated. Their brain is designed to be more visually stimulated – his wife’s body is the trigger. He also likes to be touched on his genitals. No surprise there.

On the contrary, women are infinitely more complicated. Women have many areas of of their bodies that are responsive to sexual stimulated, yet what feels good one time, doesn’t do it for her the next. This can be frustrating for a guy who is looking for “the formula.” Guys need to understand that their wife is more like an ever-moving hidden treasure. He needs to have a flexible, teachable attitude to discover what brings pleasure to his wife on any given occasion.

  1. Focus:

How quickly can a guy transition his attention to a sexual encounter?  Assuming he’s not under significant stress and has a normal level of libido – flip a switch, and he’s ready.

Women are more like a slow-simmering burner. Because women’s  brains are great at multi-tasking and are often consumed with multiple responsibilities, they have a more challenging time shutting off the demands of the day to be available for intimacy. They also think about sex less.

Sex researcher, Louann Brizendine says, “Men have O’Hare Airport as a hub for processing thoughts about sex whereas women have the airfield nearby that lands small and private planes.” [1] Women think about it less and tend to be more preoccupied, so time spent in romantic enticement and foreplay help her to zero in on the sexual experience.

Since men and women are so different sexually, it helps if you are willing to get curious about how your body and brain are different from your mate’s. Becoming a student of the beautiful complexities can help you become a more sensitive and responsive lover.


[1] Louann Brizendine, The Female Brain (New York: Harmony Books, 2006), 91.