Because men and women are different sexually, it is critically important that you are able to communicate your needs, wants, and preferences. As mentioned in last weeks blog, women are much more complicated in that they have many areas of their bodies that are sensitive to stimulation and often what is responsive in one encounter will not be during another. Since your husband cannot know this mysterious information, it is very important you are open and communicative about what is feeling good and what is not.
No mind-reading allowed
She just wants to cuddle. She doesn’t move toward him to cuddle because he might take it as a sign she wants sex. She turns over. He feels rejected. No connection.
We think we know what our mate is thinking, so we don’t ask, nor do we express what we desire. We assume we know their sexual attitudes and expectations, and feel justified in our withdrawal and avoidance.
More than any other area of married life, sex becomes entwined in a non-verbal jungle. We pout, withdraw, avoid or give in, without an honest expression of what we would like for our sexual relationship.
Our ability to talk openly about sex is affected by taboos and stereotypes as well as messages we learned in childhood and adolescence, which silenced our open discussion of our budding sexuality and questions. Also, many adults believe that sex should be fluid and natural and not require any direct communication if it were functioning well. Not so! Giving up mind reading and taking responsibility for communicating your sexual desires, needs, preferences will do wonders for your sexual connection!
Once you begin this conversation, you will be surprised how much more satisfying your physical connection is. Here’s a few questions to get started:
- What attracts you sexually? (playfulness, cleanliness, fragrances, particular clothing or lack thereof…)
- How do you like sex initiated? (who, when where…)
- What beliefs do you have regarding appropriate roles for men and women in sex?
- How frequently would you like sex?
- What is the role of sex in your life? (connection, release, communication…)
- What enhances or inhibits sexual pleasure for you?
- What may be included in your sexual relationship? What would you choose to exclude?
- How do you most enjoy touch and pace? (aggressive, tender, slow, fast, varied…)
As you become more open in your communication about sex, let it flow into the bedroom as well. Ladies, gently guide your husband to what feels good to you, and husbands – be willing learners as your wife guides you to her pleasure, and, subsequently, to yours.